Making Marriage a Priority

When I see an elderly couple still very much in love, it inspires me. It makes me wonder what makes them different. How do they have such a healthy marriage? We’ve all read books on the subject and heard speakers discuss the topic. It seems to me that one of the big differences in having a successful marriage is making your marriage a priority.

What does “Make Marriage a Priority” even mean? I think if you take a bird’s eye view and look down on what makes a marriage successful, it comes down to these five things:

1. Gestures that Show Love. Doing life can be busy and hectic, but it’s the small gestures and the effort of my husband that constantly make me feel loved. For example, when my shampoo runs low, he always has the next bottle ready for me, even transferring the little pump.  I try to always make sure he has a new soap waiting on him in the shower when he is running low. Things like these small gestures may seem trivial and insignificant, but they are part of the rhythm in our marriage that speaks love to each other.  These small gestures say to each other, I notice and care about you and your needs.  A successful marriage entails finding ways to show each other love. Thinking of your spouse and making the effort to show you care is setting your marriage up as a priority and on the road to success.
2. Boundaries in Disagreements.  We are both attorneys, so you’d think we’d have arguments. However, though we can disagree and have some debates, we have learned how to communicate in a way that works for us.  It’s important to learn what the boundaries are so that afterward, there really isn’t a need for an apology. For example, to win an argument, I would never hit below the belt and say something that is deeply hurtful, nor would he to me.  We can express strong opinions without getting on the level of yelling.  Behind it all, we know no matter what, we will get through it, and there will be “us” on the other side of the argument. By setting boundaries, a marriage can withstand disagreements, even heated ones. This is a practical way to make your marriage a priority over just trying to win the argument.
3. Supporting Each Other. It’s easy to get caught up in the list of “to-do’s” we all have and lose sight of what really matters.  It’s important to recognize when your spouse needs your support.  In these moments, set your “to-do’s” aside and focus on your spouse’s needs.  It can be in big moments, like in times of mourning the death of someone close to your spouse, but it could also be after your spouse has had a really tough day at the office or you with the kids. Be that person that your spouse can lean on for encouragement.  To show support, maybe it’s simply an evening sitting on the couch watching a movie together, ignoring the dishes in the sink, piled up laundry, etc. One thing my husband and I have consistently exhibited is we always have each other’s back. Regardless of the issue, even if one of us it at fault, we know the other will offer support and help as needed. This gives me such a feeling of security and a deep feeling of being loved. Supporting your spouse, even just listening to a needed venting and nodding your head in support, sets your marriage as a priority.
4. Give Each Other Freedom. This title may be misleading. What I’m really talking about is two things to prevent feeling stifled in your marriage and instead supported.  First, giving each other the freedom to pursue interests and passions is important.  It could feel stifling if a person felt like his/her spouse did not support him/her in this.  I’m not talking about going on a spending spree to pursue some passion because that would need to be a joint matter to discuss. I mean more like hobbies to try out and squeeze into our busy schedule. Second, it promotes a healthy marriage by not pointing out all of the “to-do’s” around the house that the spouse has not accomplished.  Life gets busy, does it not?  After you have been married for a while, you have kind of split up the jobs to keep your family humming.  You figure out what works for your family. For example, my spouse never hounds me to get caught up on dishes or laundry.  He knows I know it is there to do, and sometimes, everyone just needs to be patient with me. Although everyone in the family helps with these things, it ultimately falls on me to make sure it gets accomplished.  I never feel pressure that I am disappointing my spouse if I have not accomplished things on my list.  And the same for him. It is important to relax and not try to demand or expect perfection from your spouse or yourself. It makes life a lot more enjoyable when you do. Making marriage a priority is supporting each other’s interests and not having a perfectionist mandate. Then, each spouse feels free and secure, which helps create a successful marriage.
5. Make Joint Decisions with $.  Marriage means it’s “our” money.  The decision to delineate job roles must be determined by the two people in the marriage.  Regardless, how spouses spend the money can cause undue stress and conflict in a marriage. In our marriage, we don’t make any large expenditure without both of us agreeing to it. If we don’t agree, we wait. Further, neither of us goes on shopping sprees without clearing it with the other. We keep open communication about our wants and needs to each other. Neither of us would go buy something and then ask for forgiveness, as this would be so disrespectful to the other. Budgeting and paying your debt down are good ideas, as financial stress can cause friction in a marriage. There are many books on healthy finances, I’ve read several from Dave Ramsey which were helpful and would recommend to anyone wanting more information on how to deal with finances. Not spending like a single person and instead communicating with each other on finances can prevent unwanted strife.  This is a major step in putting marriage as a priority.

Obviously, it takes two willing people to have a healthy marriage. However, in many cases, if one person takes the effort to really put the other spouse’s needs first, changes for the better can occur.  It’s at least worth the try. 

Blessings,

Jeanne

The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey

Here is a Dave Ramsey Book from which I learned a lot. You can get it at any bookstore, or here is the Amazon link for your convenience. If you order from Amazon, your price will remain the same, but I may receive compensation if you choose to use the link I provided. Thank you if you choose to support me in this way.

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